I never had any career aspirations when I was in high school. I toyed with a few ideas, but there was nothing that I was sure about except that I wanted to be married and have kids. I got pregnant about 6 months after I graduated. The dude bailed and it was just me. My folks helped me and I lived with them while I was pregnant and after Kyla was born.

I met my ex-husband when she was about 5 months old. Our courtship was short and we married about 17 months after we met. I got what I wanted–to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. Mostly, I loved it. Except for the horrible postpartum depression I had after every birth.

The church I became involved in when I was pregnant with Kyla was very conservative and patriarchal. They taught very strict gender roles and did not believe in mental health issues. If one was depressed or anxious is was a sign of sin or a lack of faith. So, I did all the things; reading my bible, praying, doing church things, and trying to live according to what I was taught. I would get better, and then become pregnant again, have a baby and rinse and repeat.

With so many pregnancies and the resulting depression I had so little time to reflect and think. once I stopped having babies and actually got mental health help I began to think and contemplate my life. I realized a lot of things and changed my mind about beliefs I held. There is so much that happened, but to skip ahead I decided I needed to leave my marriage.

The problem was that I had no way to provide for myself and my kids. I had been a stay-at-home-mom for 25 years. I have ten birth children, five of them were still at home.

Over the last few years I have wondered if I made a mistake with my marriage, having so many kids, staying home to care for them, among other things.

All of my kids are pretty awesome people and I love them all. I would not have them if I hadn’t married the man I did and stayed with him so long. If I hadn’t homeschooled the older ones there are friends I would not have met. I’m not sure I would have found La Leche League and found the community that supported me the most through some of my darkest days. So, do I regret the choices I made?

No. All of the choices have brought me to this point. There have been so many lessons I have learned along this journey and I am happy with where I am at this point in my life and I am looking forward to what else I will learn along the road ahead.